Home and Family Author:

Being a parent is blimming hard work and there is plenty of advice around about how to be the best parent that you can be. But here's a quick heads up; if I had listened to every bit of advice or believed everything that I read this is what I should have done;

I would have breastfed all my babies until they were two years old.
Had I done this, I would have been breast feeding non-stop for 6 years. I don't know about you guys, but I know that Mr M would not have been impressed with that!

Thanks to my wonderful prenatal exercise plan I would have only gained 10kg during each pregnancy and lost that as soon as my babies were born.
My boobs would have remained above my belly button and my hot pants would not have turned into wedgy pants.

Thanks to my fantastic pre-natal nutrition plan I would have all the energy of a finely tuned athlete with the mental capacity of a rocket scientist.
Maybe I should have stuck to the plan for longer than a day, because I have all the energy of a sloth that has overeaten – with the figure to match!

Thanks to my amazing maternal instinct I would have trained all my kids to sleep 14 hours a night from week 6.  
Obviously I need to work on that too because 15 month old Master C has only slept more than a few hours in a row 3 times in his entire life.

Thanks to my extraordinary attention to detail and parenting skills all of my kids would have walked by the time they were a year old, been eating solids by themselves at 9 months, been brushing their teeth by 10 months, in beds by 18 months, toilet trained by age two, could have recited the alphabet by 2 ½ and known their nine times table by the time they started school!

Thanks to my never-ending patience all the kids would be unloaded from the car every time I went into a shop or posted a letter.
Fortunately what I lack in patience I make up for in lollipops – it is amazing how long children will sit quietly in a car seat if they have one to suck on!

According to a few authority magazines and Mr Google our kids are all suffering from various afflictions ranging from mental illness to life threatening bugs and viruses.
It is just as well I stopped reading them or I could have really freaked myself out!

Thanks to my unbelievable tolerance and ability to multi-task I would be the ultimate working super mum; keeping my kids home, teaching them all the stuff that they need to know before they start school, as well as holding down a job, keeping the house tidy and being the perfect hostess – all without any help what so ever!

The TV would be put into storage and all sugary substances would be banned.
Bugger, there go the lollipops and what would we do with no Hannah Montana, Lightning McQueen or Tinkerbell to entertain them?

I would have joined every parenting group, every Facebook group and attended every local community event but thanks to my incredible exercise and mental stimulation routines I just do not have the energy!

Do you know what I have learned from my first few years of being a Mum? The quest to be the perfect Mother is never ending but ultimately futile so relax and enjoy it.

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